YOU ARE!

One of the most popular stories you would most likely hear if you visit my parents as my friend is how I wanted to marry my dad as a child. I have never for once doubted the authenticity of this story. In my early years, my mom was not always present at home. She was at a fragile time of her career which always involved her taking sabbaticals and doing researches literally all over the globe. (Yes, I’m super proud of my mom. I’m sure you can hear the pride).

On this particular occasion, my mom had taken a trip to India and had spent about a year away from her family. She had missed a Sunday call with us that had obviously hurt my feelings. So, I walked up to my dad and said to him “Mummy has gone to marry another man in India so I will take care of you from now”. Imagine my six-year-old tiny body with two missing incisors telling a man who is already struggling to keep up with three children that.

Rumour has it that it took me a while to get on with my mom. When my mom eventually started staying at home more, I had a very huge problem with it. Life was so much easier with only my dad and it seemed to me at that time that she was the evil one simply trying to steal my shine. With my mom returning home came ‘pankere’. She literally had no patience with any of us. This is the reason why I’m both self-sufficient and the reason why I need therapy on some days.

Recently, I had a conversation with my mom about why she was always on edge with us when we were children. I already knew she would be so defensive. I had to be very patient in that conversation. Then she painted me a simple picture. She would be up at 4am every day to cook for the family. She would have to drop us off at school every day. She would do an 8-4 working job that involved adolescents who did not necessarily care about their degrees. She would have to rush to pick us from school while we would be nagging about how late she is. “Tellambout daddy is never late” forgetting my dad literally owned his own company. She would have to drive home every day. Cook dinner every day. Ensure our assignments were well done every day. She was a full-time mom and a full-time career woman.

After she had explained all of this, I looked at her and said ‘but you made that choice?’.

We are all made to believe that we make choices everyday and our actions should be done with intent. You want a degree? Study hard. You want to be happy? Do the things that make you happy (lmao okay). You want to be rich? Work hard and smart. Choices have consequences.

But what about the things we do not choose and their consequences?

I did not choose with my mom to be a career woman and a full-time mom and yet I am stuck with the consequence of learning to speak up for myself every day. People have made choices in their lives which have extended to the quality of my life e.g romantic relationships.

We should learn the art of intentionality. Be intentional about everything you do. Your actions hurt. Every single action you take extends to the other person, down to not brushing your teeth.  Your world is you but your world is also the other people in the world. Be intentional about your choices. If you do choose to have a child, remember that you are choosing to have a whole human and that is bound to get in the way of your normal life. Don’t underestimate how much that is. Raise the child intentionally.

This goes to every other human interaction and relationship. Everything you do, do with intent. Live less out of habit and more out of intent. Understanding that without you and without me, everything is different. I would be different if you are not reading my blog. If i’m different, it affects my friend, Qudus who affects his friend who affects their friend. As creations born of intentionality, we should do the same.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one. As my new favorite goes “otu onye tuo izu, o gbue ochu” which translates “Knowledge is never complete; Two heads are better than one”.

With all love,

Oluwayemisi.