YOU ARE!

I had just woken up from a nightmare. I cannot remember the exact details of my dream but whatever they were, they were scary enough to jerk me from sleep. Now, I can tell I’m awake but I can’t move. Its almost like the nightmares followed me. I try to move my feet, they won’t twitch. My heart is pounding. I can hear the beats. I try to move my hands and I feel as though they are tied down. Is this what death feels like? I stare at the door of my room and things suddenly begin to take shape. I see things and people coming for me but I can’t move. I try even harder and I am unable to move any part of my body. Then, I slip back into my dreams.

The very strange thing about sleep paralysis is that when you wake up the next day, it dawns on you that you actually just experienced sleep paralysis. The first time I felt this way, I had the sudden urge to begin to speak in tongues. I thought it was a spiritual attack. Unfortunately, even my lips refused to move. It was an extremely helpless feeling. It was my reality and I had no control over it.

For the past year, I have felt as though I have no control over my life. Life has been spiraling in the most extreme unforeseen circumstances but the most glaring is the fact that I have been placed in this country and have no means of escape. In all of the ‘japa’ jokes, there is this feeling of helplessness because at the end of the day, it is extremely hard to ‘japa’. The system has been carefully constructed to frustrate the life of every citizen.

The very first time I became aware of how out of control life had become was on the 20^th of October 2020. I was away from home and staying with some relatives in Lagos. I, like every other person saw the Instagram live feeds from DJ Switch and I forced my aunt to watch it with me as well. We had had cases of incessant killings around our area that day and everyone generally felt fear. Later on, everyone tried to get some sleep after taking as much security precautions as they could. I could not sleep because it was like the fake blanket of safety I had over me all those years was removed. It dawned on me. I could be walking and killed. I could be in an uber and killed. I could be watching like Jimoh and killed. I could be sleeping and killed. So, I kept my eyes opened that night and waited for death to knock at my door so I could give her a fair fight.

Today, I looked back at that day and how this country keeps hurling the most unbelievable conditions at us. If it is not an increase in prices of basic amenities, it is kidnapping. If you escape being kidnapped, you could be raped on your way to an interview and brutally murdered. If by chance you are not murdered, you cannot escape the infringements of your basic rights. This country keeps taking from us everyday and like sleep paralysis, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Even as a martyr, this country would take from you. I cannot point to one single person who has died for this country and made it a better place.

I read some quote a while back that said ‘my value lies in my voice and I have the choice to be as vocal as I can be about what is going on around me’. I held on to that quote through all of last week and even made it my twitter header. Little did I know that that same platform would be taken from me in no time.

I have not faced half of the problems that life might throw at me but this country has made it seem like I have lived a lifetime of misfortunes. I am resigned to say the least. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Today, I was trying to remember why the feeling I felt felt like some form of déjà vu. Then, I remembered I had felt this way with sleep paralysis. Helpless.

So this is for everyone else who feels the same way. Resigned. Helpless. Paralyzed. Alone.

With all love,

Oluwayemisi from the Federal Republic of Nothing Works!